Breaking: 76% of Students Fail Mid-Years Due to Excessive Use of Alternative Facts

Photo by Julie Samuels

By Sophia Franco

Managing Editor of Features

This past Monday, parents were shocked by an email from the administration revealing that 76% of students taking their mid-year exams had scored below a 60%. In the email, Principal Stoel Jembridge identified the use of “alternative facts” as the primary culprit for poor scores.

Upon learning their results, students erupted with outrage at what they called an “unfair grading standard.”

Freshman Molly Cool was shocked when she found out she received a grade of 18/100 on her physics mid-year.  “I feel like the teacher’s grades were really biased this year; it’s like he’s only looking for one answer.”

Freshman physics teacher Adam Baum admitted his students accusations were correct, explaining that he was, indeed, looking for one answer. “Newton’s First Law is NOT that apples can cause concussions,” Baum told Procrastinate Here while curled up in the fetal position on the floor of his classroom.

Cool, along with other students, could not accept this response. “Look it’s just my opinion. I think everyone should get a say in this class, not just the old white guys who wrote the textbooks. Why can’t we all just agree to disagree?”

Cal Q. Laeter, a sophomore, echoed this sentiment when criticizing his own teacher’s grading methods on the math mid-year. “I was marked wrong for saying that five plus six times two is twenty-two. It’s such a joke.”

Laeter argued that he had found sources to back up his answer, pointing to a recent Facebook post featuring equations involving emojis. Several users commenting on the thread disputed whether the answer to the problem was seventeen or twenty-two, with one user even getting an answer of four hundred thirty-five and two thirds. “If people on the internet are disagreeing about it, I guess it must be up for debate.”

Frustrated student Kant Reed expressed his misgivings about the low grades in a nine-page letter to the English Department. In it, he wrote, “I shouldn’t have gotten an F on my in-class essay about 1984 just because I said it was a fascinating novel about the year the Detroit Tigers won the World Series. What I said wasn’t a falsehood, it was an alternative fact.”

The letter received praise from students who thanked Reed for setting the record straight. “It is my First Amendment right to say that Beyoncé was the famous abolitionist who assisted slaves on the underground railroad,” junior Mary Cuh declared in her B-block APUSH class. “If teachers are going to teach the Constitution, they should at least abide by it.”

U. Effing-Sirius, Cuh’s APUSH teacher, could not be reached for comment, but was spotted in the Faculty Dining Room weeping in front of a laptop opened to Snopes.com.

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Sophia Franco is the managing editor of features and loves running, particularly away from her own problems. Her other interests include, acting, being really short and pretending like she knows what’s going on.

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