Who am I?

By Alex Dobin

Performed as part of South Stage’s Girlhood

Girlhood Poem

Who am I?
I am a breathy spoken valley girl
thick eyebrowed, round cheeked jewish girl
with puberty-induced wavy hair
who can never tell if her bra is too small (how much cleavage should it show, really?)

I am a self-proclaimed outdoors-ey girl terrified of most bugs:
a former wannabe tom boy who frequently wears dresses to school.

I am a surprisingly spiritual stress eater
want-to-be singer
a hardworking dreamer
who used to pester the dozens, asking them what they wanted to be when they grew up

Who was always sure of her answer: veterinarian, backup geologist, part-time – free-time singer
Like ‘geologist’ could ever be a backup career
…I just really liked rocks
but I haven’t said that in a few years
though my mother still whispers ‘med-school’
when that question I’ve recently asked less
spins the circumference of the table at a dinner party.

I am that summer of learning everything about the ‘modern feminist’ I could:
I am the chubby 8-year-old girl you used to see in the mirror:

I am trying to make friends
making friends
forgetting how to make friends
the shy girl who isn’t so shy anymore
the sorry for each time you speak in class

and every time you’ve ever raised you hand

I am constantly having to pee some days.
Why have I added the above bodily function to a poem about my identity?
I don’t know…
I’d just (really) like a bigger bladder this year for Chanukkah, that’s all.

I am praying for world peace
and end to hunger and sickness and war and
a really shitty person sometimes

I am questioning if I’m
too participating
too nice
too mean
too annoying
too overdoing this ‘feminist’ thing
too under-doing this ‘feminist’ thing

I am smashing the patriarchy
questioning some nights how much the patriarchy exists
questioning my questioning

I am passive and aggressive and contradictory and in between and lots and lots of parenthesis

“Who am I?”
playing the car ride – dinner table game we learned from my best friend in elementary school, when people say things were much simpler.

But there are no black and white questions, no yes or no answers
and I am left wondering
asking you about the person across from me
and we revert to your age (who knows it exactly anyway?)
race (what color is your hair, skin really?)
gender
career
these things seem to be the only way of distinguishing others
from ourselves, ourselves from others.
Who am I?