Graphic by Maggie Winters
Since the dawn of mankind, the human race has walked upright; however, a recent study from Stanford University has brought this long undisputed issue into question.
One professor states “After reflection on our recent studies, movement on all fours has been proven to have several major health benefits. This way of moving greatly strengthens the abdominal, gluteus minimus, and upper thigh muscles, leading to a superior meta-human body type. Surprisingly, walking upright actually proved to stunt growth and brain development. When the tests were brought into the field, the four legged approach averaged 3 mph faster than walking upright on all surfaces including mud, grass, gravel and even concrete. On top of all of this, the four legged subjects require 46% fewer calories per day than the average upright subject, allowing the crawling subjects to thrive on just 2 meals a day.”
So, what does this mean for the future? Is walking a thing of the past? Are you satisfied with a less capable brain? Does anyone really care about breakfast?
Immensely intrigued by these questions, I took my talents into the field in hopes of an interview with some of the subjects, who were being tested several times a week, but living otherwise normal lives. Arriving on the grounds of the laboratory, I was shocked to discover a heated argument between the crawling and walking subjects. The conflict quickly devolved into a physical altercation and the two groups began to hurl insults while vehemently struggling for position. “Simpleton!” exclaimed one crawling subject.
“Go home crab” countered a walker. The walker got the last word in, yelling “******* *******” with a violent hand motion.
The fight quickly ended in a stalemate as staff intervened. The crawlers had the clear physical and mental edge, while the walkers only held their own due to the high ground advantage. I was soon asked to leave the premises, leaving me more bewildered than before.
It is still unclear how this issue will turn out, but my conclusion is that walking on all fours is the way of the future. Like it or not, within the coming years we should expect to see the majority of the world population turn to crawling.
