By Aidan Bassett
Pro Procrastinator
1) Clinton’s debate prep must have been half focused on her world-class poker face.
2) I wonder if Trump was ever taught the value of a coherent sentence.
3) When Lester Holt asks a candidate a straightforward question, nobody really expects a straightforward answer. But good God, DJT’s answer meandered about half a trillion times. Really, how does one propose a solution in a protectionist tirade that only lays out the problem?
4) I think DT may have angrily mumbled more about Mexico and their factories and tax agreements than he’s talked about the US.
5) Interrupting your opponent is rude, Donald. And please stop nodding along as a smarter woman proposes a substantive solution that you couldn’t even have imagined.
6) How do you expect to appear civil when you won’t let her speak?
7) I’m amazed Clinton has managed to parse Trump’s unintelligible yelling to understand he thinks he’s referring to remittances (into America?) and mount a riposte.
8) Is he bragging about being audited? Does he think that’s in vogue? Is it now fashionable to pretend that your tax returns are of equal value to her emails?
9) “Braggadocious” may be the longest word Trump uses besides “tremendous.”
10) Please, epitomize the patriarchy more, Mr. Trump. She will continue to explain all the scandals you have endeavored to avoid with phrases like “It’s all words, all sound bites.” (She’ll do it in full sentences, no less!)
11) The Grand Cheeto himself has realized what we mortals have not: We really should have taken all the oil out of the Middle East when we had the chance! Gosh dammit! How didn’t every single American leader think of that a million times?
12) How the crowd does giggle when he brags about his temperament.
13) Has Trump at last fallen asleep?
14) Trump knows that Yemen is a nation! Egad!
15) Wow. Not the stamina? Not enough to debate you for an hour and a half? It’s fascinating how you can attack the “look” of a woman who has “traveled to 112 countries” and negotiated the deals and treaties she has.
16) So you don’t like it when SHE interrupts YOU? Interesting.
17) The subtle savage moment where Clinton mentions Trump’s relationship with the facts. I know he’s been divorced a few times, but the tabloids usually skip his messy divorce from reality?
18) I must confess I ardently despise Trump’s exclusive reliance on the second person.
19) Lester Holt, thank you for not merely abandoning your post as the debate’s custodian but also fleeing pell-mell out of Hofstra University and into the wilderness beyond.
20) Not only is Trump categorically unfamiliar with every statistic that Clinton has MEMORIZED, but he seems to feel that they are not relevant.
21) I wonder who just taught him the phrases “onerous” and “bureaucratic red tape.”
22) If anyone ever comments again on Clinton shouting, I may decapitate them. Fair warning, friends!
23) I do think Clinton may be miscalculating by continuing the line of personal attack. She must know that his fragile ego forces him irresistibly to rebut every single charge she makes against him.
The subtle savage moment where Clinton mentions Trump’s relationship with the facts. I know he’s been divorced a few times, but the tabloids usually skip his messy divorce from reality?
24) How does one keep one’s cool so effortlessly, Ms. Clinton? Was it perhaps your 11-hour charade of a Benghazi hearing that honed those skills?
25) I love when she skewers him for his greatest personal shortcoming: his commitment to stiffing average Americans.
26) Does Mr. Trump believe that Hillary Clinton was formerly the sole legislator with a pulse in the U.S. Congress for the duration of a remarkably productive session?
27) I am fascinated that Mr. Trump doesn’t go hoarse. He is also shockingly well-informed about the precise costs of American infrastructure projects! Kudos, Mr. Trump!
28) Well played, Mr. Holt! You have finally returned to the building and approached the moderator’s desk! Perhaps you could now comport yourself like a professional journalist?
29) Her sobriety regarding race is a welcome respite from the unceasing bombast of the past 45 minutes.
30) I think Mr. Trump is working on his duck face whenever she is talking. That is the only explanation for his series of facial expressions.
31) It is perhaps unsurprising that the white nationalist candidate would believe that every person of color lives either in Purgatory or the Twilight Zone. I am also not shocked he has racked up the endorsements of most police groups.
32) Please stop asserting some correlation between the cities where you own property and a magical understanding of urban policy in those cities, Mr. Trump.
33) I’d watch a program where Trump was asked to define every word and every policy proposal Mrs. Clinton has mentioned thus far.
34) Clinton’s gun policy is sound but naïve, I fear.
35) Mr. Holt, I would hope that you’d apply slightly greater scrutiny to the highly sensitive matter of race and policing. Mr. Trump seems to feel he can appear like more than a vegetable if he punctuates his silence with nodding.
36) I do detest how Trump is incapable of choosing better adjectives/descriptions or bringing any actual concrete names, numbers, places, people, or other nouns into the debate. Oh right! You can exactly enumerate the number of deaths before and after stop-and-frisk was implemented in every situation!
37) How will the national media fact-check this debate? How many eons will it take them?
38) THANK YOU MR. HOLT. OBAMA WAS BORN IN HAWAII!
“Wrong.” “Wrong.” “Wrong.”
39) Do you think you can escape answering for your birther legacy by naming random members of Obama’s staff or whomever they are?
40) Interestingly, you pivot from Obama’s birth certificate (which, yay, you finally fought to get! Well done!) to securing the border? Coded insinuations much?
41) Mr. Trump has defecated resoundingly on every shred of credibility the once-venerated Republican Party managed to retain up until now.
42) Clinton’s correction on the birther issue is a clarion call of logic and reality. Too bad she’ll risk sounding strong by inviting Trump’s next loud rebuttal when she mentions Trump’s history of racial housing discrimination.
43) “Wrong.” “Wrong.” “Wrong.”
44) Ah, how the pseudo-business perspective about NATO does refresh us all! Of course the most consequential military alliance in history can be reduced to complaints about inequalities in defense contributions! We needn’t compare the size of their economies.
45) “A terrible and a stupid thing.” – My way of describing that assertion about your temperament
46) It does seem thoughtful of that adult woman to allow a preschooler into her substantive discourse on geopolitical realities.
47) So glad she mentioned the fact that NATO’s charter has only been invoked in our defense.
48) “That wouldn’t start a war.” Could someone please fax Mr. Trump a brief memo entitled “Acts of War”, defining what the list comprises?
49) Having authored The Art of the Deal, Mr. Trump will surely be able to artfully deal with his imminent loss in November.
50) Good for you, sweet pea! You held your tongue ONCE when you could have slandered a woman’s good name.
51) Mr. Holt, I am amazed you are upright. I would have thought the loss of your spine would have made that impossible.
*Note: This article is intended as one individual’s humorous interpretations of the debate and does not represent Denebola’s opinions of the event or political affiliations in any way.
