Graphic by Jack Landrigan
By Andy Goldberg, Matthew Gonzalez, Aron Korsunsky and Yono Bulis
Pro Procrastinators
This Week in South Athletics:
As most sports come towards a close this week, we would like to mention a few honorable mentions.
1. Jonah Goldfarb–Varsity Chess
Goldfarb collected a triple double in checkmates (14), checks (27) and castles (11) this week en route to a win against Westford Academy. The 14 year-old freshman star has been scouted by Harvard, Yale, and Oregon in the areas of track, chess, and cooking.
Goldfarb continues to impress, but next week, faces his toughest challenge yet, as the Lions head to St. Petersburg to take on Dmitri Mendeleev and the Russian Roosters.
2. Seanna McGraw–Indoor Track Varsity (Hobby) and Ballroom Dance Club (Main Sport)
McGraw joined the Ballroom Dance Club as an inexperienced freshmen, but over the years, she developed into one of the club’s biggest assets.
McGraw often provides more than half of the points for the group, averaging 40 big ones, which mostly come from the Waltz, Cha-Cha (slide), and Tango categories. McGraw’s steps and rhythm are so concise and perfect during these dances that she does not need a partner.
She hopes to lead south ballroom dancers to a victory at home next week against the US West champion McFarland Spartans, hailing from California. McGraw plans on making quick work of them so that she can make it to her Olympic Indoor Track meet in PyeongChang, South Korea in time for warm-ups.
3. Bameron “Bam” Barsons–JV Swim/Dive and Varsity Shot Put
Barsons headed up to the fourth floor pool on Wednesday for an exciting performance in the 200 meter butterfly, clocking in at 19.87 seconds, a school and world record.
Following this outing, the Oak Hill alum took his talents over to the Reggie Lewis Track and Athletic Center–across the street from Domino’s in Roxbury–and threw a weak 80 feet and 6 inches on his first attempt. Despite a disappointing first throw, Barsons pulled it together for his second attempt and lobbed a saucy 107 feet 4 inches.
4. Ali Moeinzad–Varsity Math Team and Freshmen Badminton
Moeinzad continues to turn heads in the equation-crunching math competitions of the New England Regional Math Society. South took on Brookline and Waltham in a tri-meet, and Moeinzad collected 109.8 Points per Rational Function (PPR).
He had 56 completed equations, 7 mistakes, 9 intercepts found, 15 points plotted, and found a way to complete a word problem with 0.8 seconds left on the clock. Moeinzad’s game-winner will go down in history as one of the most clutch moments in South history.
Although it seemed that Moeinzad had reached deity status, he was quickly dispatched of by Corey and Daniel of Memorial-Spaulding Elementary School in a doubles badminton tournament.
He and his partner/coach, Will Huang, fell in two straight matches as communication and their racquets broke down quickly. Both Ali and Will only have themselves to blame for not paying close enough attention to badminton during wellness classes.
5. Adi Shneorson
While Adi doesn’t play a sport recognized by South Athletics, she is a key part of what is perhaps the most important sport of all: student government.
Every morning at the crack of dawn, Adi wakes up and starts her day. She takes a two minute shower, and then precisely at 5:27 AM, Adi begins to eat her breakfast of scrambled eggs and hummus on top of sorghum, amaranth, and millet-infused triangular toast, garnished with a touch of peppered avocado.
At 5:45, she’s out the door and in her Honda Fit, on her way to South. Barring any traffic, she clocks in at precisely 6:00 AM. Until school starts, Adi does everything from fixing school tiles, resolving fights between the Communist club and FBLA, suspending delinquents, attempting to complete the trek from the 1000s to the 6000s in under 5 minutes, leading the band and orchestra, and coaching athletic events.
Most prominently, Adi moves bills and proposals forward. Ever wonder why mango/banana smoothies now cost $0.79 less? You can thank Adi. Adi single-handedly pushes South’s bureaucratic system forward with the help of her sidekicks.
Elsewhere in Athletics:
Basketball: Al Horford drilled a game-winning buzzer-beater against the Portland Trail Blazers to give the Celtics a 97-96 win. Horford dropped 22 points and 10 rebounds and put poor Jusuf Nurkic on a poster with a vicious dunk. The greatest #12 in Boston sports history, Terry Rozier, had an off night coming off of a triple-double and 31-point performance in his first two career starts, but hit a jumper late in the game.
Hockey: While Boston may seem like a one-trick pony with a single great sports team, the Boston Bruins laid a beating upon the Toronto Maple Leafs, which, yes, is a real team name. The Bruins maintain the second seed in the Atlantic division.
Football: In what is annually the most-watched program in sports, the Super Bowl, the commercials came in clutch. Tide came up and took the lead in the detergent division.
After a stout showing by Tide Pods, adolescents claimed that they were much more likely to use Tide Products: “Yeah I’d definitely eat more Tide Pods after this,” said a sophomore.
This Week’s Top 5: Best Foods
5. Tortillas: Tortillas themselves do not taste fabulous and aren’t extravagant. The reason they are so great is that they are one of the most versatile foods out there as they are in burritos, tacos, quesadillas; the uses are endless.
Famous Eaters of Tortillas: Rob Lowe, Jacob Sartorius, Sam Canto
4. Pizza: Whether it’s pepperoni pizza, cheese pizza, meat lover’s pizza, veggie pizza, or whatever other kind of pizza you like; it’s pretty hard to go wrong with pizza. There’s only one no-no when it comes to pizza, and that’s whole wheat crust.
Famous Eaters of Pizza: Clifford the Big Red Dog, Sacha Baron Cohen, Mark Zuckerberg
3. Cashew-Infused Gruyere Cheese: No explanation needed.
Famous Eaters of Cashew-Infused Gruyere Cheese: Queen Elizabeth, Betty White, Adam Sandler
2. Chex Mix: What are those brown salted crisps? What are those tube-shaped bumpy crackers? Why are there 2 different colors of chex pieces? These questions may never be answered, but that’s what makes Chex Mix so great.
Even though, you have no idea what you’re putting in your digestive system, it just tastes “salty and crunchy.” Chex Mix is simply flavorful and delicious.
Chex Mix beautifully encapsulates America’s political climate: many different flavors all mixed together in a bag. The one difference is that Chex Mix has no nuts, especially those who want to build enormous walls.
Famous Eaters of Chex Mix: Richard Sherman, George Washington, Kate Middleton
1. Potatoes: Ah, potatoes. The genie of foods. It can do whatever you want it to do, just ask: French fries, potato skins, hash browns, home fries, curly fries, roasted potatoes, potato soup, mashed potatoes, and of course, everyone’s favorite: unskinned potatoes with garlic and watermelon. The list goes on and on.
Famous Eaters of Potatoes: Daniel Radcliffe, Kelvin Benjamin, Ireland (except in the mid-19th century)
School Spirit Week: A Review
If this week were a representation of South’s spirit as a whole, then South must be quite dull. Meme day was filled to the brim with students who claimed they were too sad to dress up as a meme. Students who did choose to become a “meme” were greatly disappointing.
Memes were as stale as the cafeteria pizza crust. Zooming in on your friend’s face and captioning it, “Meme Day” isn’t a meme, it is a cry for help.
Tie-Dye Day did not fare much better. Few students showed up wearing the colorful apparel. Students claimed that it’s hard to fit tie-dyeing a white shirt into their busy schedules, when they are running off fumes of their coffee and forty-five minutes of sleep.
Denim day seemed to show improvement as many people did not take our advice and showed up in a denim jacket, prompting multiple students to ask these individuals questions regarding car problems and engine malfunctions.
Fan day was an absolute disappointment. There was a single student who showed up with a fan. The air conditioners were left completely unused. However, plenty of jerseys and uniforms were worn in a twist of wordplay.
South Spirit day was an improvement and it was topped off with the pep rally. The first thing that made the pep rally great was the seating. It was great how the administration let the sophomores, rather than the freshmen, sit on the floor.
The inter-grade basketball games divided the weak from the strong in South’s social standing. The strong, such as Brian Baron, put up impermeable stats, while many other showed weakness and were deceived with quick passes and ankle-breakers.
Lucas Nathanson, who was cut from the JV boys basketball team after multiple teammates claimed that he, “had literally never picked up a basketball in his life” was one such underperformer.
He scored only 20 points, all of which opposing teams allowed him to score in order to protect his fragile ego. The senior boys and Dance Team dances were respectable, but nothing compared to Seanna McGraw’s ballroom dancing.
A Picture of Steve Buscemi:
Image courtesy of fanpop.com
Hot Takes of the Week:
- Avocado is not very tasty.
- Water is wet and not wet at the same time, somehow.
- The New England Patriots won the Super Bowl.
- South is the best team in the DCL.
- Sam Cantor will attend Boston Latin next year.
- Lebron is getting traded to Sunny Orchards Retirement Home/Intensive Care Unit.
- Bernie Sanders is still alive and well.
- 3200 meter hurdles is the best event in the Winter Olympics.
- Peanuts are actually “legumes” despite “nut” being in the name.
- Pea pods are healthier than other pods.
Shout out of the Week:
This week’s shout out is going to Luke Peng because Peng, who is pictured below, found himself in a tough bind on Monday.
He had an important Rubik’s Cube match against Bedford, and he decided to go outside for some fresh air before the match. He realized he was cutting it a bit close, as his match was at 4:00 and it was already 3:55, so he was about to head inside.
However, he locked eyes with an elderly woman who was trying to cross the street, and he knew he had to do something. He ran over and helped the woman across the street.
Immediately after, he rushed in for his match, but someone had taken his place just half a second before he got there. Peng’s selflessness in sacrificing his arena battle to help an elderly woman led us to pick him for this shoutout of the week.
His current Rubik’s Cube solving record is just 4 seconds slower than Weekly Update writer Andy Goldberg’s PR in the mile of 3.02 seconds.
Mail from our Readers:
Dear Weekly Update,
A few months ago, I ate a bit of my friend’s mango. It was so relaxing, and I felt such a rush of happiness. Over time, as stress increased and life kept getting worse, I started to rely more on mangoes.
I eventually purchased a mango and became reliant on it. I realized that mangoes were bad for me, as they are full of sugar, but I kept going. I want to stop eating them, but I cannot. I used to leave my stash of mangoes in the locker room, but after the locker room was searched by the administration, I realized it was no longer safe.
I don’t want my parents to find my mangoes at home, and I don’t want the administration to find my mangoes in the locker room, so I have to take my mangoes with me everywhere. What do I do? Where should I put my mangoes?
Thanks for your help,
Committed Reader
Dear Committed Reader,
Sorry to hear about your mango mishap! While we cannot name a place to leave your mangoes, we can inform you that the school does not permit mangoes or any food to be eaten in the library. Do not bring your mangoes into the library because these will very surely result in a stern talking-to. Food in the library distracts students and is anything but helpful in this focus-driven environment.
Additionally, we at Weekly Update do not condone the consumption of mangoes, as they are not good for your health, and can lead to issues with eating even worse sugary foods, such as doughnuts or candy.
Sincerely,
Weekly Update
Beverages of the Week:
Andy: My beverage of the week would have to be coconut water. Always a delicious alternative to regular water, coconut water holds up as one of the top beverages of all time. Harvesting a delicious beverage from something meant to be just a food? Brilliant. Just kidding, it’s disgusting. My actual beverage of the week is strawberry milk. One of the more underrated cafeteria drinks, strawberry milk has a crisp sweetness that’s always refreshing and healthy.
Aron: Some hot cocoa would be nice right now.
Yono: My beverage of the week is peanut oil. Earlier this week I went to Five Guys, a burger joint located on Needham Street. While many oafs may say that Five Guys is just another version of other fast food joints, the fact that Five Guys is based off better, cleaner food disproves this. Five Guys offers peanuts for free, and all of their fries are fried in peanut oil, which is a substantially healthier alternative than consuming diesel, gasoline, or motor oil. Due to this fact, peanut oil is my favorite beverage for this week.
Matt: One of the most underrated beverages of all time is Alphonso Mango Juice. Named after one of our beloved South teachers, who happens to share a name with some unknown variety of mango, Alphonso Mango Juice is crisp and quite refreshing. Aisle 23 of the Costco rainforest holds bountiful treasure in the form of this delicious drink.
