I’m so privileged that I’ve found a way to love myself.
It’s such a basic thing, but it’s so incredibly difficult to do. There are people who can’t look in the mirror without being disappointed, people who can’t help but believe that their grade or their spot on a team somehow defines who they are. So many of us spend a huge amount of our lives hoping that someone will come along who will be able to let in the light and quiet the voices in our heads that tell us that we are somehow not enough.
It’s definitely been a journey, and there are still definitely bad days. But through penciled in eyebrows and push up bras, anxiety attacks and American Idiot jam sessions, I’ve learned that hating yourself when your best is not enough is too exhausting to merit the effort.
I’m sometimes saddened that people can’t always see when I’m hurting, that they don’t ask me if I’m okay when the answer very well might be no. But then I realize that maybe they’re hurting more and they’re not asking because they can’t handle any more stress.
I am so unbelievably privileged to have days where I feel okay enough to let myself get lost in their problems, and to be able to provide whatever it is they might need from me. It’s an honor to know that I made the tiniest sliver of a difference in their lives. It makes me realize how easy kindness is to give, which means I have absolutely no reason not to leave some for myself.
Because of the nature of the anonymity in Speak Now stories, Denebola has no way to verify the information and narrative represented in the above post. If you have a concern with the piece regarding any issues, especially anonymity, please contact editorsinchief@nshsdenebola.com.
If you had experiences that are similar to those represented above and would like to reach out to someone who could help, please contact your school counselor directly (contact information can be found here) or the Project Interface referral network at William James College (https://interface.williamjames.edu or 888-244-6843).
Respond to the prompt “Applications: What I Did and What I Should Have Done Differently” by clicking here.
